It's hard to understand why when a so called friend needs someone to lean on, they know that you will listen and comfort them in their time of need. But when the time comes that you need to talk, the communication isn't there. Should I just up and stop talking to them or hang on and wait until the next time they need me? Is it easy to just say "Hey! I think our lives are going in different directions. No matter how many times I have been there for you, You do not feel the same way of being a friend towards me."? It's frustrating that they will complain to me about life events in their lives but when I want to talk about my life, it's just me "and I only know how to complain". I cannot forget they way people treat me. I may say I forgive, but in reality, I am still hurt by the way people treat me. I have to overcome alot of obstacles in my life and I thought that maybe I would have a friend or two that would let me talk the way I need to, rather than always filtering what comes out of my mouth for fear of what they will think of me if I say something wrong. Friends suck some days! I don't have anyone that will come over to my house to hang out with me. Or even invite me and my children over for a supper so I can have one night to relax and they will take care of supper. Even family doesn't really invite me unless it's a holiday or special event. I know my kids are loud and a handful and that is why I don't usually invite people over to my house. For fear that they will judge my house for being messy or my kids running around shirtless, screaming and fighting over every little thing. And when I need family, I have found out numerous times that they are not dependable for me. I have decided that keeping myself and my three kids secluded from most social gatherings is often what is best for us, although what I really want is for the kids to behave a little bit better and be able to go out in public and not have to wonder what other people of thinking of me as a parent.
Parenting is difficult for some people, one being me. I don't know how it comes so easy to other parents. I struggle having the thought in my head that I am messing up my children for the future. I want them to be good people with good values. They will learn the value of hard work and will earn the things that they want. I will not just give in and buy them anything. My 6 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD in January but I have actually had a hard time with him his entire life. I remember picking him up from daycare around age 2 and he would kick, scream and punch me in the face. One other parent at the daycare even had the audacity to say, "It looks like he doesn't want to go home with you." YES! I'm aware of that (as I'm fighting him to get in the car seat)! It's hard to know that your own child despises you and would rather be at daycare. I would cry my eyes out and call my husband bawling that I did NOT want to be a parent anymore.
~Fast forward a few years and two more children added to the family. (I know! What was I thinking!) I still struggle with that feeling most days that I am a horrible parent. There are the good days that I love having my children. The smallest "I love you Mommy!" melts my heart or when they just want to sit with me and cuddle. I cherish those moments everyday as I know they are not going to last. I don't know if all parents struggle as much as I do with the feeling that they just want to "throw in the towel". But every day is different. I make it through one day at a time. I have hope that one day, something will just click and my inner Mary Poppins will arrive and my children will be amazing in each their own way. Preferably not the mouthing back and angry temper tantrums that I currently deal with.
So to any parent out there that may read this, I know everyone hears this so many times... You are not alone. It certainly feels like it most days, but I have hope that maybe one day (probably far, far away), I will overcome this and look back and say "it wasn't as bad as I thought".
And p.s., I apologize for my grammar and punctuation. It's not the best.