Well, I have made it through the first week back in college.  I never thought I would be going back to school again, but with the struggles that I've had with the education for my son, I wanted to learn how to help him.  I've decided if I know how to teach him the correct education he needs so that I can also supplement his education at home, then I could also use this knowledge and help other students who are struggling.  I am enrolled to earn an Elementary Education degree specializing in Special Education.  My passion is to hopefully teach Kindergarten.  I love that the children that age are excited to be in school and I feel that Kindergarten is a crucial role of how well the student will do in the years to come.  
I remember my Kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Miller.  I loved going to Kindergarten and even though I felt like I was the odd ball in the classroom and had many mood swings, I still wanted to go.  I remember the puppets, story time and the nap time.  We used to have mats that we would go and get and even though I may not have actually slept, I remember putting my mat under one of the tables or somewhere dark because even to this day, I still have problems falling asleep in a room with light.
This memory of my own experience in Kindergarten fuels my passion to help others.  I want to have that memory for other children.  I know that teaching is not what it used to be and accept that children learn alot more than what they are given credit for.  As they say "Children are like sponges with education."
So far I have made it through one entire year back in college classes.  It was quite the learning process as technology has changed so much since when I graduated back in 2004 from Minot State University.  But I feel that at least this time around I am taking things more seriously and have the desire and want to learn the subjects.  Chemistry on the other hand, may be my demise.  I am taking this class this semester and alot of the information is going right over my head.  I may have to be that older student who has to get extra help to understand some of the processes in Chemistry.  And I don't feel bad asking for help either!  I know this time around being older, that if I don't ask, I'm just going to struggle more.  
And off topic...I've noticed that I don't write in here very often...
I will try to change that as this blog helps me with the random thoughts and feelings that are going through my head.  It has a calming effect on me even though I may have to keep retyping some words or phrases for correct spelling and grammar.
I do enjoy writing as if I am actually telling a story to someone.  Hopefully I can continue and make it more frequent and someday maybe even deal with the more personal and emotional struggles that I deal with.  But for now I keep that to myself.

I have finally come to the realization that getting married and becoming a parent means that my single friends who do not have children are becoming more of an acquaintances rather than staying good friends.

It's hard to understand why when a so called friend needs someone to lean on, they know that you will listen and comfort them in their time of need. But when the time comes that you need to talk, the communication isn't there.  Should I just up and stop talking to them or hang on and wait until the next time they need me? Is it easy to just say "Hey!  I think our lives are going in different directions. No matter how many times I have been there for you, You do not feel the same way of being a friend towards me."?  It's frustrating that they will complain to me about life events in their lives but when I want to talk about my life, it's just me "and I only know how to complain".  I cannot forget they way people treat me.  I may say I forgive, but in reality, I am still hurt by the way people treat me. I have to overcome alot of obstacles in my life and I thought that maybe I would have a friend or two that would let me talk the way I need to, rather than always filtering what comes out of my mouth for fear of what they will think of me if I say something wrong.  Friends suck some days!  I don't have anyone that will come over to my house to hang out with me.  Or even invite me and my children over for a supper so I can have one night to relax and they will take care of supper.  Even family doesn't really invite me unless it's a holiday or special event.  I know my kids are loud and a handful and that is why I don't usually invite people over to my house.  For fear that they will judge my house for being messy or my kids running around shirtless, screaming and fighting over every little thing.  And when I need family, I have found out numerous times that they are not dependable for me.  I have decided that keeping myself and my three kids secluded from most social gatherings is often what is best for us, although what I really want is for the kids to behave a little bit better and be able to go out in public and not have to wonder what other people of thinking of me as a parent.

Parenting is difficult for some people, one being me.  I don't know how it comes so easy to other parents.  I struggle having the thought in my head that I am messing up my children for the future.  I want them to be good people with good values.  They will learn the value of hard work and will earn the things that they want.  I will not just give in and buy them anything.  My 6 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD in January but I have actually had a hard time with him his entire life.  I remember picking him up from daycare around age 2 and he would kick, scream and punch me in the face.  One other parent at the daycare even had the audacity to say, "It looks like he doesn't want to go home with you."  YES!  I'm aware of that (as I'm fighting him to get in the car seat)!  It's hard to know that your own child despises you and would rather be at daycare.  I would cry my eyes out and call my husband bawling that I did NOT want to be a parent anymore.
    ~Fast forward a few years and two more children added to the family.   (I know! What was I thinking!)  I still struggle with that feeling most days that I am a horrible parent.  There are the good days that I love having my children.  The smallest "I love you Mommy!" melts my heart or when they just want to sit with me and cuddle. I cherish those moments everyday as I know they are not going to last.  I don't know if all parents struggle as much as I do with the feeling that they just want to "throw in the towel".  But every day is different.  I make it through one day at a time.  I have hope that one day, something will just click and my inner Mary Poppins will arrive and my children will be amazing in each their own way.  Preferably not the mouthing back and angry temper tantrums that I currently deal with.  

So to any parent out there that may read this, I know everyone hears this so many times... You are not alone. It certainly feels like it most days, but I have hope that maybe one day (probably far, far away), I will overcome this and look back and say "it wasn't as bad as I thought".  

And p.s., I apologize for my grammar and punctuation.  It's not the best. 

So a week has gone by and First Grade isn't too bad!  Tristan is enjoying his new class.  He says that he really likes his teacher this year.  We have only had a few scuffles last week as one incident involved Tristan punching another kid and then the second was another student biting Tristan on the arm.
Other than that, this school year is looking optimistically good.

Zoey, is still having major attitude and likes to cry over the littlest things.  She is now also developing the "lying" gene where she thinks she can get away with things if she doesn't tell me.  But little does she know that a "Mother's ALWAYS know!"  I look back on my own childhood and remember the times that I fought with my siblings and wonder how in the world did my Mother manage us.  My younger brother and I would always fight!!  And they were not just little tiff's! Once I recall my brother forcing himself into the bathroom door (because that's a door that locked so I usually ran to hide in the bathroom). I do not remember what I did to make him mad but he eventually pushed his way in and then proceeded to try to stab me with a butter knife.  It didn't actually stab me, but it did scratch me.  
I am NOT looking forward to those times ahead!!

Tali, is talking more and more each day.  She is now developing her own personality.  She likes to repeat words such as "donuts" (comes out as just "NUTS"), "butt cheeks", and she definitely knows how to say "NO".  If I ask her any question, it always is responded with a "No, No, No, No". :)  

I do not have the parenting figured out yet, but I have noticed that if I do not keep up with working out and getting exercise that I clearly need, I am more stressed and overwhelmed with all 3 of the kids. Some days are pretty rough.  We do make it through, but if supper time was a little easier to manage, I think everything would be okay.  And to make life more stressful, my dog, Tater, who turned 17, YES 17!, this past May does not look like he is going to make it to 18.  :(  I have an incredible fear that when I return home from work that he will have passed and I wasn't there.  I can't decide if I actually want to be there for that moment or not though.  I had a very hard time dealing with that in junior high school when our family pet passed.  
Right now, I just try to not think of when that time comes that Tater will no longer be with me.  It will definitely be a very rough time for me.  I have had him since he was around 8 weeks old.  He has gone everywhere with me. In fact I think of him as my first child, furry child, but none the less, I treat him as if he was a child.  <3

It's June 1st and the weather is not the best right now as it is a cold and windy day.  I was hoping the sun would be shining but it says it may be possible later in the afternoon for it to brighten up.  I wanted to share how excited I am with how my life has been going.  My eldest, Tristan, has learned how to ride his bike this past weekend.  Now he want's to ride his bike all the time and has me go running with him so he can ride longer than just around our yard.  So on Monday, May 30th we went on a 3 mile loop by our house.  I was tired from trying to keep up with him, but I know that I will keep going with him and I will soon be able to keep up if not run the entire way.  
My middle child, Zoey, has hit that try-some three's and is pushing her boundaries farther and farther each day. Last night she decided to yell at me and tell me "You're a stupid Mom!"  I have grown some thick skin after going through Tristan's 3 year old stage and now I have been able to work on dealing with the attitude better.  My husband and I are communicating much better and are more of a team in helping each other with our children.  We do discipline by giving them vinegar when they speak rudely to us or have bad behavior.  They do get the chances to correct their behavior but usually they have not corrected it and end up getting a spoonful of vinegar.  Usually Cider vinegar does the trick.  It doesn't taste good and they do not enjoy it which ends up them apologizing and understanding why they received the vinegar.
Tali, the third child, is still curious as ever and is now speaking more and more everyday.  It is such a wonderful thing to wake up in the morning as she is climbing onto our bed and will cuddle up to me and scream with delight that she can see me.  She still has her "moments" where she is Hangry!  And by Hangry I mean HANGRY!!  When we come home before supper she will scream and throw tantrums until she is fed.  She wants food now or all Hell will break loose! She has even begun to hit us now if she doesn't get her way.  But we keep being consistent and try to cook as fast as we can.  
I'm sure every parent faces the same obstacle of it being difficult having both parents work full time and not have the convenience to be able to have supper ready after work is finished.  We usually try to go back and forth and share the cooking responsibility.  Chris will usually cook during the week and I try to make up and cook on the weekends, but I'm not very good at throwing something together.  I like to plan meals.  And now that we are struggling to make ends meet with the Oil boom coming to a halt, we have to try to make our meals last longer.  So hot dishes are becoming more regular because they last a bit longer.  The kids do not like them so much but if they get hungry enough they will eat it.
I have said it before that I like to be challenged and now it is more important than ever to remain consistent with my spending.  Especially with eating out for lunch all the time.  I always see it as okay to buy something small at the local convenience store or stop into the grocery store and grab a quick sandwich.  But in reality it's all these little purchases that add up so much and this month we do not have anything extra to spend.  It's stressful yes, but I know that with Chris' help we will make it through this.  I just have to remain positive and not let the finances get in-between and put extra stress on our marriage.  We have been through rough times before and this is just another hurdle to get over.  I am trying to do more freelance work so that we get a few more funds in at least.   It's not much but I try to do what I can.  I even want to publish a children book.  I have the idea but I haven't written a story line for it yet.  
 made the comment to Chris this morning that it should be easy to lose weight this month as I just won't eat as we can't afford anything extra to spend. I keep that in my mind now and hopefully continue to do so.  I do not want to fall back into my spending habits where "this is little, so it won't matter if I buy this."  I had to laugh last night as I told him the kids couldn't have a refill on their milks as we had to make the milk last longer.  He won't even let me put a ration on the milk as him and the kids drink so much milk.  I warned him that I may just start adding water to the milk jug so that it lasts a bit longer.  But we are not starving and we have plenty of food.  We just need to not spend so much on unnecessary items at the grocery store.  Like buying caramel rolls all the time.  Yes they are good, but I have started to try to make them at home now.  The first two attempts were not very successful.  They were edible but I didn't want to have a second.  But for now I will keep thinking positively, loving every moment whether trying or not with my children, attempting to bake/cook more at home and working out as much as I can so I can focus on becoming more healthy.  By the end of summer I hope I can at least have some biceps or less of a stomach gut anyways.  

• Designing isn't as easy as it may look. I see so many flyers and facebook images that I would love to get my hands on and re-design. Some people are trying and I give them credit for that.  If you don't try how can you get better?  But would you continue to try to clean your own teeth if you didn't want the bill that comes from the dentist office? The answer is surely a No.  Graphic designers are well trained in how to communicate clearly your idea and how to do it in a timely manner.

• Some things are better left for the professionals.  Alot of designers have gone to school to perfect and masterfully craft their designing abilities and learn the software.  Some (okay, alot of self-proclaimed), designers don't understand the flow of design and it shows in their design work.
Anyone can use Microsoft word and throw some clipart into the document and type the info around it.  But do they understand how to communicate clearly what the client wants and what colors are the more suitable for the emotion you are trying to convey?

• Designing isn't just designing. I have the ability in my job/career of advertising that I am a sales rep and a designer.  So the best of both worlds!  I studied and graduated from MSU with a Multimedia Studies so that I understand both print, television and radio.  And now since everything is online I know the best way to convey the message that is needed in the shortest time possible.  Everything on Facebook is short, simple and to the point.  But it has to be to catch the viewers attention.  There is only a split second to make someone swipe back up on their Facebook news feed and say what was that and then click either the "like" button or to click on the link to learn more.

• Afraid of what the cost is?  Just call.  I myself am very reasonable on my prices and I can either have the products printed for you or I can guide you in the right direction.  I know alot of printing services are costly so I try to estimate my prices with that in mind.  And I can even give multiple design samples so that you can have options and not stuck with something that you may not "love".  As I have recently told a client, "I don't expect payment until I know you will love your design or product.  I want it to be something your proud to share with potential clients and that you would be excited to get if it was coming from someone else."  And that is just that.  I want my clients to be proud of what they are using for themselves.  If you don't love it than why would you want to promote it?  

So after some hard thinking I decided to change up my logo to something that is more suiting for design purposes.  The other one bothered me that it didn't flow properly.  This one will work great as a sticker for on the hubby's race car :)

I have begun to take on more side jobs besides my full time job.  I like to be disciplined so I will make myself workout first and then commit myself to the designing and creative processes.  It helps having a clear mind to begin with anyways.

I am excited to be posting some of my newest designs and also that I now have a separate facebook page just for Bdoosh Designs!!  Check me out on:

So far Tristan has been having troubles in kindergarten.  He started out fine at the beginning and was excited to go to school and meet new friends.  His one friend from preschool happened to get assigned to a different kindergarten teacher so Tristan is having to make all new friends this year.  
He began this adventure back in August and it's only November now and we have been meeting with the Principal, his teacher and the school counselor a few times now.  It seems that he is struggling to fit in with the daily schedule.  It's frustrating for me as his Mom because I don't want to see him struggling to fit in with school.  As a child myself I don't remember school being so difficult.  I remember I wanted all the classmates to like me and as I got older is when I began to not care about everyone and only had a few friends that were close to me.  Those are the friends that I still keep in contact with today.  They are friends that even though we don't talk everyday (more like once or twice a year), we can still pick up a conversation like it was yesterday.
Tristan now goes back and forth between which friends are his "best friends".  One day Cooper will be his best friend and then it will be Eli or Layne the next day.  He even tells me that Ava is his girl friend and that he pushed her because he was being "Romantic"!  LOL
I don't even know how Tristan at 5 years old is even learning this stuff.  But him and Ava are in hockey together and at least they have one thing in common.  Now I'm sure I will have to meet her parents...
I wonder sometimes if Tristan and Ava will actually have a relationship later in high school and think it would be funny and sweet if they actually remained friends from 5 to whatever age.
We constantly between my husband and I keep up on Tristan and his behavior at school.  From what my husband tells me, it's going to be a struggle for us for many years.  My husband, Chris, tells me that he had a very hard time in school. He even was kicked out of high school but it was mainly bad judgement at the wrong time.  The story was that him and a friend made guns in study hall out of paper and were pretend shooting each other or something and the teacher saw it and reported it.  Bad timing is that this happened right when the Columbine shooting occurred and everyone in schools was on high alert.  If it was any other time, he probably wouldn't have been kicked out of school.
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But back to my struggles with Tristan...
I know he is super smart and learning a butt load at school!  I was surprised when he just sat at his desk at home and began to practice writing and sounding out words on his own.  I didn't know he could do that yet.  We try to read to him every night and I work with him on the learning to read books.  But my heart just melted when he just went and did it on his own without being told to.
He does get in the most trouble right before lunch though.  The daily routine is to have recess right before lunch.  It which I've been told "Tristan seems to be very hungry at lunch and eats more than most Kindergartners..."  YES! He is 5 and a growing boy and he eats like a tank!  At home he will have 2 bowls of cereal for breakfast.  Now since the school thinks that he is being malnourished or starved by my own paranoid thinking, we started to feed him more protein-rich foods like egg breakfast sandwiches with ham or bacon.  Hopefully this will help and he will be full longer.
I just don't like thinking that at anytime the school is going to question me about what he eats at home when I've witnessed other children during lunch that only eat a bag of Doritos and a few bags of just snacks.  Nothing nutritious.  But maybe the family can't afford the school lunch and then I worry about that...  It's always something to worry about being a Mom I guess.  Even if it's not your child, it's still a child who deserves to be fed and taken care of.  I get in trouble from Tristan because I try to give him the extra food off my tray at his school lunch and he tells me "Mom, we're not allowed to share our food!"  But what can I do...I know he's a growing boy :)  Love that guy!
So... Hopefully this too shall pass.  Everyone that I've talked to said that the first couple of years is hard and they grow out of it and learn the procedures and routine of school life.  I just want Tristan to enjoy school and not regret things later like I did.